princemilk: oh my god i’m at the grocery store and there is a guy in the frozen section who is tweaked off his balls on some kind hallucinatory drug. i’m in the next isle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can’t see me and he is losing his shit pulling pizza boxes out of the freezers and yelling that he needs to save the popsicle cat am i a bad person
theprofessionalcynic: tiffanyfocks: do you ever see someone and think oh my god i would like to be responsible for your next orgasm
Normal people: Aw, look at the couple. They're so cute!
Me: I wonder if they've fucked yet.
You & your husband celebrating your 25th wedding...
Husband: 25 years? Wow, that has gone fast.
You: Yeah I know
Husband: Seems like it was yesterday when at my concert I heard thousands of fans telling me how much they loved me and I heard you scream "GET IN ME YOU FINE PIECE OF ASS! HAVE MY BABIES!" I knew from that moment on that you were the one.